So you know how golf buddies keep arguing about which freakin’ practice birdie is best? Plastic ones? Metal ones? The fancy auto-retrieving ones? Yeah, drove me nuts too. Figured I’d just test ’em myself and shut ’em up.
The Starting Mess
Grabbed three stupid birdies everyone yaps about: The Classic Plastic Thing (looks like cheap patio decor), The Shiny Metal Beast (weighs a ton, probably illegal), and The Overpriced Robot Bird (needs batteries? Seriously?). Hauled everything to the local driving range at 6 AM before anyone could judge me.
Actual Testing Was A Joke
First up, The Classic Plastic Thing. Hit it soft with a wedge… it bounced maybe three feet. Lame. Whacked it hard with a driver. BOOM! Shot straight into a muddy puddle fifty yards away. Total fail. Needed waders to fish it out.
Switched to The Shiny Metal Beast. Took forever just lugging it to the mat. Hit a gentle pitch shot. “CLANG!” Scared some pigeons three towns over. The thing barely rolled six inches. Felt like my elbows got wrecked. Tried a real swing. “BONG!” Pain shot right into my shoulder. My tee shot went sideways into the range netting. Useless.
Then came The Overpriced Robot Bird. Put in the batteries like the stupid manual said. Pressed the little button. Nothing. Poked it. Shook it. Yelled at it. Finally whirred to life… and crawled slower than my grandma’s walker. Hit a perfect 7-iron right at it. Thump! It stopped dead, wheels grinding. Smoke started curling out. Smelled like burnt toast. Seventy bucks. Up in smoke.
Fine, Went Total Redneck Engineer
Pissed off, I just drove to the junkyard. Found stuff:
- A truck tire chunk
- Old bowling ball (cracked)
- That plastic bird from kid’s sandbox toys
- Duct tape. Obviously.
Backyard time. Drilled holes into the tire chunk, stuffed the sandbox bird head into one. Taped the cracked bowling ball to the tire base. Looked absolutely cursed.
Did It Work? Sorta? Maybe?
Plopped my monstrosity down. Hit a chip shot. Weird bird head wobbled, bowling ball held it kinda steady, tire gave a weird springy bounce. Went 15 yards. Hit a driver. SCREEEECH! The ball shot off the tire like a rocket, cracked head wobbled violently, but everything held together. It didn’t drown, didn’t break my arm, didn’t catch fire. Just… worked. Ugly.
Conclusion? Forget the shiny expensive garbage. Find some junk, tape it together until it stops flying apart. Save your cash. Or just buy actual range balls. Honestly, I might just quit golf.
