So last Tuesday I was binge-watching old Westerns, right? Kept seeing John Wayne pull off these insane horse tricks – jumping onto moving horses, sliding off at full gallop, even riding through fire in Rio Bravo. Figured, “How hard could it be?” Spoiler: real damn hard.
The Prep Work Disaster
First I borrowed my neighbor Hank’s quarter horse, Dusty. Sweet old boy but moves like molasses. Spent two hours just trying to get him to trot faster than a grandma shuffle. Remembered Wayne did that smooth dismount where he slides right off while the horse keeps running. Yeah. No.
My first attempt:
- Leaned left while holding saddle horn – Dusty immediately stopped dead
- Next try kicked to make him gallop – he bucked instead
- Third attempt tried sliding off – pants caught on stirrup. Face met dirt directly.
Stunt Number Two Failure
Saw Wayne do that thing in True Grit where he jumps from ground onto a moving horse. Looked easy on film. Reality check:
Step one: Made Dusty canter past me slowly.
Step two: Grabbed mane with left hand.
Step three: Tried vaulting onto his back.
Outcome: Hung sideways like wet laundry for three seconds. Crashed. More dirt eating.
Hank’s watching this whole circus yelling, “Christ almighty, boy! Y’all tryin’ to get killed?”
The Final Embarrassment
Decided to try Wayne’s famous “duck under low branch” stunt from The Searchers. Found a tree limb about shoulder height. Got Dusty trotting toward it. Laid flat against his neck like the movies show…
Tree branch smacked me square in the ribs. Knocked clean off the horse. Left a bruise that looks like Nebraska on my torso. Spent twenty minutes wheezing in the dirt while Dusty nibbled my hair.
Turns out Hollywood cheats like crazy. Those stunts took pro riders and trained horses with months of practice. Me? Woke up today walking like my spine’s made of Legos. Lesson learned: some icons should stay on screen. Gonna stick to watching cowboy flicks with a cold beer instead of breaking my neck.
